Absorbing Presence and Love

ShantiMayi

From our first meeting in 1994, I remember the lightness, joy and above all the love and radiance that ShantiMayi poured out upon us.

I received her presence and love, and it carried me from our first encounter.

I was not seeking a master and was content with life. My previous master had passed away a few years earlier, but was still so alive in my heart. Yet this meeting made me aware again of a higher potential and of shadows and knots within my heart. They were primarily seeds of selfishness and arrogance that limited and obscured my view of my essence.

I had to learn what sincerity was. What it meant to be completely honest and humble. I did not know what unconditional love was.

Despite satori’s (enlightenment experiences) and insights, I was not free and without fear. Intuitively, I knew that through being with ShantiMayi these shadows could dissolve. Like a magnet I was drawn towards her, and like a young father, I did everything to be in her presence as much as possible.

Together with Tara and the children we travelled to India, France, Denmark and other places, as often as we could, to be with ShantiMayi. I also received from her the diamond of the Gayatri Mantra in my heart. To this day, this mantra serves me and others so well. It is woven into my heartbeat and bloodstream.

I had no psychological need to be with ShantiMayi. There was not much desire for personal attention or private conversations. Something much deeper was being gestated.

Receptivity

The primary Sadhana (practice) was simply the absorbing of Presence. Listening with the heart to the heart of the master. From where does she speak? To enter this mysterious place. To let the heart melt and dissolve into space, into Oneness. To want nothing, to rest in love as love. And love itself unveiled everything.

All fears and hidden pain were laid bare and burned in the midst of everyday family life. Because most of the time I was practically unable to be in the physical presence of ShantiMayi, this whole process of meeting and melting into the heart of the master became an internal process. Even distance and time were no longer obstacles. I could become one with the essence of ShantiMayi from any place because her presence and love lived so vividly in my heart.

Deeper and deeper grew the realisation that the essence of ShantiMayi and myself are the same, are one, and any apparent distance existed only in outward form. We had hardly any appointments or personal contact. I had scarcely any questions for her and rarely asked for guidance in a practical sense, yet everything was received.

To be receptive was and is such a precious quality. Our language was spoken in impersonal silence or in one word: Love. In this deep resonance, all shadows and knots were consumed and unshakeable trust grew.

Life in the world went on and was never an obstacle. It was the practical field of work. It enriched me. It was always the true testing ground. Family and life in society have always been in service of awakening, and yes, have naturally also been a good challenge.

All Aspects

Practical life shows the embodiment of the true state of affairs. Spiritual practices such as Dhyana (meditation), Gayatri recitation and Guru yoga served me so well. Every aspect of life, actually!

This is such a revelation; not only dedication to Sacha served and supported me, but all aspects of life have been in service of liberation. Whatever it was, pleasant or painful, all aspects of life have been Guru. Actually, all of life is also Sacha (the undeniable truth).

This insight has given so much freedom and expansion, and it ultimately led me to let go of every structure and discipline. It simply proved no longer necessary, because it no longer served. There was no more striving or desire, but a deep resting in what is, realising that all is well. No more need for recognition or becoming something. No more need to change anything. Life became so spontaneous and simple, and yet deeper than ever before.

Vipassana

In January 2002, I visited Sacha Dham again. A Vipassana intensive was underway. I joined the sessions. But the structure of Vipassana was no longer supportive of the living quality of awareness. That which I am could no longer be structured. The silence was not managed or constructed and could not be disturbed by anything.

During the night, the merging with existence proceeded spontaneously. In one of those nights, during sitting and observing the breath, I could no longer distinguish between inhalation and exhalation, until the breath finally disappeared.

Only presence, no thinking, silent mind, empty mind.

This presence deepened into complete dissolution. Fear arose.

The Death

Fear of death came up, and I knew this fear well. This irrational fear appeared so often when I stood on the threshold of God. It did not come from the mind; there was no thinking. It was an overwhelming energy. This fear held back the great surrender to Nothingness. This fear had enormous power and had pulled me back, contracted me, many times before.

In me arose a strength and determination not to be dominated by this force any longer. I asked with all my strength for support to move beyond this fear. Sacha Baba appeared at my Sankulp (divine summons). He pulled me through the fear, and with that the last sense of “I” disappeared.

Love

Here in No Man’s Land, from the unmanifested, a light began to arise. This light is love itself in its purest form. This light was expanding and flooded me with gratitude. Sacha Baba initiated me by placing an egg-shaped crown upon my head. I knew that by this gesture I would be forever protected and guided by the divine. My gratitude expressed itself in tears, because the heart’s desire of my life was fulfilled. The incredible had taken place.

‘The Rising Sun’

This shift, this initiation into the selfless nature of existence was thereafter not expressed in words. I did not carry it. It carried me. Who could have done it? I did not speak of it with people. It lived me. Life in outward form did not change much.

This shift in consciousness took years to descend into, to be embodied and integrated. The body was profoundly affected by this shift, as was sleep. The revelation of emptiness was crystallising in all cells. After this unfolded, though it continues still, but has become more subtle, the experience of the ‘rising sun’ emerged.

Gradually the sun began to rise and shine from the depths of silence as an active force. Creativity and love came to expression.

Sharing

You can have wonderful teachings, but this is what is truly given by existence. This belongs to no one and therefore to everyone. Perhaps after about five years I heard myself giving verbal expression to this initiation. I also began to notice “spontaneous effects” in people I met. I began to express myself verbally to ShantiMayi and others. ShantiMayi had initially asked me to remain in silence. Later she encouraged me to give satsang.

There was no drive to do so, but I remained open to the possibility. In 2008, when I visited Sacha Dham, ShantiMayi asked me again to give satsang, and I heard myself say, “Yes, I will serve.”

Since then, many, many have come and flourished. Just as the expansion continues endlessly, people come and are so open to receive Sacha’s grace. Love makes so much possible. Life is so precious. Sacha is so boundless and gives itself so generously and unconditionally to everyone.

Now we know that our hearts are not the same, but one. And when we meet each other in the physical dimension or elsewhere, our Oneness is magnified. It is our hearts that burst with love, ready to overflow and fly into the mysterious unknown.